We were going to keep our mouths shut, seeing as how the original Transformers cartoon debuted in 1984 and isn’t quite old enough yet, but we simply could not remain silent on the issue any longer. Something had to be done. Our fondest bastions of childhood bliss are being unceremoniously eroded by a cash-hungry Hollywood machine bent on nothing but satisfying its basest urges.
But of what straw do we speak that has broken our wistful camel’s back? Answer: the theme song, released earlier today, to the new Transformers live-action movie. First, a warning: DO NOT LISTEN TO THIS SONG. It’s very bad. It’s available here for download, but we would be morally remiss if we didn’t advise against it. Seriously. Don’t do it.
It always raises an eyebrow when something recent appears on a “Best of” list, before said thing’s novelty and buzz have fully died down and before it has passed the test of time. However, we can safely say, without regret or hyperbole, that this nu-metal Transformers chant is the worst movie theme song ever made.
It’s so bad, a hyper-intelligent AI may have to be created just to devise a way of accurately expressing how utterly bad this song is. It absolutely destroys both Batdance and Madonna’s Bond theme where she mistakenly thought she was hired to write a song for Analyze This. We thought Mortal Kombat was horrible, but this takes the cake, the pastry shop, and the entire concept of baked goods.
And just when we thought it couldn’t possibly get any worse, the roll call begins. Why the roll call? Why, WHY! The very notion of the roll call should have been purged from the pool of human knowledge when the Mortal Kombat theme was created, but at least it’s usage was reminiscent of the game. Here, it comes out of nowhere as unexpectedly and unwantedly as rhododendrons blooming from our nostrils.
If an alien civilization heard this song, they would clearly have no choice but to conclude that we were a species devoid of culture and vaporize Earth.
The sad part is, that despite our lack of enthusiasm for Michael Bay films, the trailer did seem to redeem itself with the promise of neat robot/car stunts. Unfortunately, this song came into existence and became a giant allegory for all the opportunities squandered in the making of this movie. How cool would it have been to see Bluestreak (pictured, upset at song) or Prowl reincarnated as a NISMO 350Z, Downshift reprise his role as an A60 Supra, or Cliffjumper sliding by as an AE86?
Instead, we have GM product placement galore with Jazz as a Pontiac Solstice, Bumblebee as a Camaro and Ratchet as a Hummer H2. We would have accepted, insisted on, even, Tracks as a Corvette C6, but the entire lineup? Not to mention all the original characters that have been cut. At least we have Hasbro’s lineup of Transformers Alternators to create our own battles over energon with.
Sorry for the string of movie-related posts. We’ll be back to blogging about nostalgics next time.